Dear Einstein,

My humans are so frustrating. When I try to tell them the litter box is overflowing or that I’m feeling like dog poop, they just don’t get it. Recently the neighbor’s cat started sleeping on our porch, so I did a little wall marking to give him a piece of my mind. Instead of being flattered that I told the other cat “This is my home”, they got pissed. How can I get them to understand what I’m trying to tell them?

They’ve always lived with dogs.

In French I’m just the Chat

Hey Chatty Catty,

Humans expect kitties to understand what they’re saying, but most of them are a long way from being bilingual, themselves. This makes me wonder which one is really the smarter species.

Unfortunately most humans don’t understand when we try to tell them something because the message because it’s spoken in Felinese. And even though humans were smart enough to land on the moon and invent the can opener, when it comes to bi-species communications, they’re no better than dog cookies. It’s like actor Strother Martin said to Paul Newman in the movie, Cool Hand Luke: “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” It’s time your humans took a few lessons in FSL (Felinese as a Second Language.)

We aren’t dogs; we don’t wear our feelings on our tails. Well, we do, but not the same way dogs do. Sometime people confuse Felinese with Caninese, but they are very different languages. I know a new owner cat who thought her new kitty loved to be groomed cuz she wagged her tail whenever she’s being brushed. The woman had always owned dogs and translated her cat’s tail “wagging” to mean she was happy. A wagging cat tail means the exact opposite of a wagging dog tail. The cat was trying to tell her she was loosing her temper and, if this nonsense keeps up, the woman will loose some blood.

This communications gap comes from human’s two-dimensional communications thinking. Humans mainly communicate by voice; the word itself and the tone they use to deliver it. Cats on the other paw, communicate multi-dimensionally. We use words and tone too, but that’s just the beginning. We use a combination of voice, scent and body language to create a kitty collage of communications. Humans don’t understand that we use every part of our bodies to communication: ears, eyes, whiskers, tail and even their claws, and like humans, our voices. (Ask any Siamese. No don’t ask; they’ll never stop talking.) Unlike humans we have some extra vowels and consonants like scents from the three Ps, pee, poop and paws.

That’s not to say we can’t wag our tongues with the best of 'em. Cornell Researcher, Nicholas Nicastro, in a 2002 study documented hundreds of different cat vocalizations ranging from soft purrs to the battle yowls of a tomcat. Each noise has a meaning, but no human knows what every sound means. He did discover that some words mean the same thing to most cats, while other words differ from kit to kit.

Sometimes not getting your point across can simply be an inconvenience, like when you want salmon flavor instead of chicken. Other time communicating is more critical, like when you’re feeling like something the cat dragged in. So see to it that your linguistically challenged humans read the suggestions below on translating Felinese.

Most importantly, your folks shouldn’t expect you to wear a sign saying you feel poopy. See unlike humans, we don’t advertise when we feel bad. We forget that our humans will take care of us when were sick. If our feral cousins in the wild make too much commotion cuz they feel bad, they could get invited to dinner by a bigger predator—as the main course. Since you don’t want to go on an inside tour of a hawk’s intestinal tract, you’re going to put on a happy face until you’re too sick to hide your symptoms any longer. Sometimes that’s too late for a vet to help you. If your people can see your third eyelid, on the inside corner of your eye, it’s a good bet you’re feeling poopy. They should also keep an eye out if you’ve lost weight, or you’re not eating/drinking, not peeing at all, peeing a lot more than you used to or suddenly start missing the litter box. They should look for glassy eyes, listlessness, vomiting, painfulness when touched or any change in your routine. If you start acting that way, your folks should contact your veterinarian immediately. Go to the vet if you suddenly drop weight or start packing on the pounds.

Other ways to tell what you’re thinking
Your folks need to understand that your tail is like a flag. A flag flown at full staff is confident, so are you. If the tip of your tail is slightly bent forward, you’re happy to see them. As I said earlier, a wagging cat tail means something’s bothering you. As a cat grows more frustrated with the situation, she’ll use her tail more forcefully. A tail tapping the floor means look out. When the motion escalates to thumping against the floor, they better stop whatever you’re doing to irritate you. And your folks should know when you assume the Halloween cat pose with the big-hair fluffed up tail and arched back means you’re scared out of your skin. This is another good time to let the fur settle.

Watching your ears will also help the folks turn into a cat psychic. When your ears are facing forward, but slightly tilted back that should tell them that you’re feeling friendly, contented, or relaxed. If they’re forward, but rotating toward sound—you’re alert. Get the cat toys out—it’s time to kill something small and furry. They better look out if you develop airplane ears (lying flat against her head) cuz you’re getting ready to take off and strafe someone’s hand. Humans (and other critters) should give this airplane ears wide berth.

When it comes to the eyes, there’s a real communications gap between it comes to cats and humans. Humans are taught that it’s rude not to look at someone when they’re speaking. But, in Felinese, staring is a threat or a sign of dominance. That’s why in a room full of people vying for your attention, a typical cat will plant his tail in the lap the one person who’d give a week’s pay to avoid him. Instead of staring at you, the ailurophobe (guy who is afraid of cats) is frantically looking the other way. He’s the only one who shows good feline manners.

We also use a silent meow; it’s a polite request that we cats know humans can’t resist. You know the one, when you wait until they’re looking at you and you mouth “meow.” This is best used for requesting treats; humans are so gullible, they can’t resist.

The opposite of polite are conversation are universally understood phrases like hiss, spit, growl. A word to the wise human, “Avoid!” When we resort to this we mean business.

Then there’s the misunderstood purr. Even big cats purr; as a matter of fact, cougars, lions and lynx all purr. The tiger is the only large cat that doesn’t. People think kitties only purr when they’re happy, but a cat also purrs when she’s anxious, hurt, in labor, or even dying.

More people should spend more time with cats cuz we’re good for their health. We purr at about 26 cycles per second. Some researchers have found that that purring is a natural healing mechanism. A number of studies show that frequencies between 20-50 Hz can speed up the healing of injured bones and muscles. So in the future your human doctors may say “Take two cats and call me in the morning.”

The Felinese lessons that most humans don’t get “Smells.” That’s not surprising since our nose works a hundred times better than humans do. Unlike people, we can say volumes without having to utter a single meow. Your people got pissed off cuz you sprayed near the front window. They don’t understand that you were telling the neighborhood hooligan that this is your home. Beat it. It’s just graffiti with a non-permanent yellow paint. And scratching the couch is also a marking thing too except instead of using the pheromone in your pee; you’re marking with the scent gland in his paws.

Humans think when we kitties rub against their legs or head-butt that we’re being cute and affectionate. Sort of. We’re secretly marking them with own personal scent. We’re saying to the world, “Mine, mine, mine. She (or he’s) mine!” Head marking shows not just territory (like pee and poop do), but real affection.

Your kitten has scent glands in the pads of her feet. When she gives a piece of furniture a good working over, she’s putting her scent there to tell everyone that this is hers (in a friendly, non-threatening way).

Be patient; humans learn with repetition and reward. It takes time so don’t expect results overnight. But in the long term, you’ll find it’s teach your human is well worth the effort.